Wednesday, November 30, 2011

YEEEEARRRGH APPLE HATES WOMEN: Remember that one time Amazon searches hated gay people? This is another version of that. Especially when you consider the thoughtless, unreflecting dudeity of Silicon Valley.

Me, I think it's another useless gimmick for the Apple cultists to use to reassure themselves that the objects of their veneration are still holy and righteous without their chief shaman around to bless them anymore. And I've decided talking to the Majel Barrett computer from Next Generation does not make me feel like I'm living in the future to anything like the degree those curly-Q, allegedly-loaded-with-mercury light bulbs do.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

THE BEST FAKE AMAZON REVIEWS: Are the ones you're not expecting:

I'm a clown who likes a 10-12 oz. nip at the spirits every now and again, before each performance, or when I'm alone. I can say that this flask is perfect for me. My other flasks were always getting lost in my comically oversized pants pockets amidst the confetti, balloon animals, and ropes of colored handkerchiefs. It was nearly impossible for me to quickly find and swig from these puny things, not to mention they did almost nothing to satiate my thirst for liquid comedy. I tried just using the bottles my zany sauce was originally packaged in, but quickly found I needed something more discreet when performing before uptight prudish children and the priggish parents who love to scream and yell about their morals. Not to mention glass is breakable. That doesn't combine well with my specialty trick, constant pratfalls and collapsing in heaps. Then I found this 64 oz. paragon of discretion, and my hollow void now has one shining object. I've incorporated my frequent swigs into the act, and the stupid kids are none the wiser. I mean, it's opaque. They don't know what's in there, and I keep getting funnier until I somehow wake up in the park. 

This is for a 64 oz. giant flask. I mean, okay, maybe I should expect gag reviews for gag items, but I was SERIOUSLY thinking "wow, think of all the booze you could carry with you!" and I swear I'm not a drunk I JUST NEED TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF and then BAM, the gag review, reminding me that one really shouldn't tote around 64 ounces of bourbon (enough for 32 smallish Manhattans) with them.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE JUST BEGINNING: Apparently Coach K set some of wins record tonight. But I bet at least 245 of those wins were due to refs giving his floor-slapping Coach K white boy-Mini-Me's credit for charges while they were clearly moving their feet but K had spent the previous half screaming at them (the refs, I mean) so they gave in.

Just the most unattractive style of basketball I can think of, three pointers, ref-baiting and floor-slapping. I do not celebrate an achievement based on such dreck; I condemn it; I fart in its general direction.

EDIT: I regret being such a churlish hater. Thanks for getting us that gold medal, though, Coach K. That was the time I did cheer you on.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

AS GOOD AN EXPLANATION FOR THE FRIENDLY'S BANKRUPTCY AS ANY: From out of the mouths of Yelp reviewers:

How does this chain still exist?  So fried, so greasy, nothing healthy on the menu and limited options.   You are better off swimming in butter and stapling donuts to your ass.

And yet, how is Five Guys a hot chain? They don't even have a turkey option, let alone a veggie patty option, and Friendly's does. Cracker Barrel isn't a hot chain anymore, but they're enduring, and they're not healthy either. But Cracker Barrel does kitsch and Five Guys does great burgers...Friendly's doesn't do any one thing particularly well, except possibly the Fribble, and that isn't enough anymore. (I admit to being partial to at least the idea of Friendly's breakfast, if not always the results.) The Friendly's menu is a wilderness of things that were unambiguously delicious decades ago, and there's too many other options now to make them viable at their current size, which is bigger than it should be relative to, like, Bob Evans or Perkins, is my guess. (EDIT: Wikipedia tells me Perkins has gone bankrupt as well.) basically I like that line from the review about stapling donuts. Good job, Yelper David C.!

Thursday, November 10, 2011


Via: The Internet.

Monday, November 07, 2011

"A DEEPLY SELFISH, HALF-CRAZY OLD MAN": Paul Campos on Joe Paterno and the Sandusky scandal. Probably the best blog take (as opposed to the pro media, who may also have blogs) I've seen on this.