COMPARE AND CONTRAST ANIMATRIX REVIEWS: I watched The Animatrix last night in a choppy, fast-forwarding way (I was taping the Bollywood marathon too) and--BOY!--I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. There's this "Second Renaissance" featurette in there that is about as depressing a cartoon as I have ever watched. And since all it is is backstory, there's no nuances or anything so it ends up being nothing but depressing; it's the grim, grim tale of the horrors humans perpetrated on machines and then machines on humans, full of sadness at the fallen state of humanity within the Matrix's depiction of the future. And to some people this is really great:

The Second Renaissance, Parts I & II
The next two shorts, directed by Mahiro Maeda and written by the Wachowski brothers, are the shining gems of The Animatrix and should not be missed by anyone interested in science-fiction, anime, cyberpunk or merely decent storytelling. These two shorts tell the story about what happened to humanity before the events of the first Matrix film, detailing how we became a power source for our captors. The narrative is told by a soothing electronic female voice, and the visuals are lush and captivating. The writing is absolute genius, told with a chilling yet compassionate clarity, gifting the narrator with a kind of programmed sympathy. The images on screen are shocking at times, to say the least. These are, far and away, the most violent and disturbing of the shorts included on the disc. They will no doubt have an impact on the viewer. Here is where the Wachowski’s amazingly deep storyline is given a chance to truly shine. While the concept isn’t entirely original (nothing is; the Wachowskis themselves have admitted to The Matrix being mostly a love letter to their myriad influences, such as Phillip K. Dick, Willam Gibson, and anime itself), it’s presented in such a unique, beautiful, effective and captivating fashion that it’s impossible not to fall in love with it. If you purchase The Animatrix, do it for these two shorts. The images contained herein are pure storytelling magic.

And to others, it isn't:

Others, like "The Second Renaissance," though gorgeously rendered, do little more than fill in the backstory for the films. (Here, as writers, the Wachowskis stumble; their bleak vision of the future is predicated on a pretty absurd course of human action. Think of the ending of the original "Planet of the Apes," but with less logic.)

And--thinking about it--I have to side with the latter reviewer (in the Austin-American Statesman; the other one was in Anime News Network, which is one of the many alt news sources Google News searches for you.) You want to give the Wachowskis some leeway in their creation of an all-encompassing future but any future that results in a single human culture--something that has never ever happened--has a loooot of explaining to do, which isn't really done in "Second Renaissance." The central conceit of The Matrix--machines need humans as an energy source--isn't getting any more plausible, either. Hopefully things will be tied up in the third movie--the narration speaks of the machines being imbued with "the spirit of man" and the Reloaded programs seem like they have aesthetic sense and a kind of emotions, so maybe the human race isn't being imprisoned for the entirely material reasons Fishburne said they were.

Well, whatever. The Anime News guy was right, the "Second Renaissance" was shocking and full of impact, but upon further review it was a cartoon in a bad way: a simplification of reality, a caricature, where details are inevitably left out. But in this case emphasizing the uglier side of humanity--human history where the only important events were genocidal ones. Absurd, like the guy said.

And once again humanity's leadership and soldiers are overwhelmingly white people. Progress!

The most intriguing short is the Peter Chung entry "Matriculated." The Anime News guy hated on it:

Like him or hate him, enough production companies seem to love Aeon Flux auteur Peter Chung enough to give him work until the end of time. Thus, we are ‘treated’ to Matriculated, Chung’s hat in the Animatrix ring. Most people claim to absolutely despise Chung’s character designs; Reign: The Obsession of Alexander was not and will never be a fan favorite, so why did the Wachowskis elect him to direct his own sequence? Regardless, the result is a hideous, nonsensical mishmash that makes less sense at the end than it did at the beginning. A group of rogue humans seem to have devised a way to send a robot into its own Matrix, creating a virtual world for the robot to exist in. Why did they do this? What’s the purpose? It’s never explained. We simply watch Chung’s hideous new character designs writhe around and eventually get killed, their disgusting sinewy limbs ripped apart.

But he obviously has an axe to grind. "Matriculated" is about this reverse-Matrix in which captured Machines are not exactly reprogrammed--they are 1. removed from the control of whatever The Matrix is when it isn't a virtual world--they take a bug out of a Machine that's like the bug they took out of Keanu in the first movie, 2. shown the vibrancy of human experience in this really trippy sequence; one reviewer commented "containing the best filmed acid trip since 2001's, which, unlike that celebrated sequence, is dramatically integral to a narrative"--and I couldn't agree more, and--and this is important-- 3. given the choice to side with the humans, now that they've intimately experienced what it feels like to be one. Important because they're giving the machines a choice, treating them like fellow sentient life. That's my interpretation, anyway. And just like most humans will choose the empty, materially satisfied world of The Matrix but a few will not and rebel, a few machines are smart enough to live in a human world and point the way forward to a reconciliation between Man and Machine and some glorious new era. Or something like that. I mean, hopefully; the Wachowskis seem like they're too smart for any simple Man=Good, Machine=Evil Oppressor thing, which was the story of Matrix I but seems to be breaking down in Reloaded.

The only nerdy defect about "Matriculated" is that it doesn't seem to fit anywhere in The Matrix Earth we have grown to know and love, but that's all right. The Wachowkis' story is pretty oppressive sometimes; it's good that they let in a few things to let us know that while everybody is affected by the Man/Machine War, not everybody is fighting it in exactly the same way. Their burnt-sky Earth needed a few cracks of light.

MY OWN PRIVATE JAYSON BLAIR: Blair Hornstine, plagiarist. Via Hit & Run.

OH WOW: New DVDVR Top 500 Wrestlers list. Check out the discussion too.

EVERYTHING YOU NEEDED TO KNOW ABOUT OUR PRESIDENT: Is here: "The president, fresh from a two-day mission aimed at bringing peace to the Middle East, emphasized the improvements the war brought to Iraq. He mentioned the word 'freedom' repeatedly and spent little time on the weapons issue."

I mean--this "staying on message" crap is the most annoying Presidential tactic in my lifetime. I can't think of anything that's going to convince me that "You are right" less than a bunch of people (the "You") saying exaaaaactly the same thing. It's like a facial tic or something, you're trying to pay attention to what they're saying but you just keep staring at that tic. And I'm a single-issue voter; as I regard all Presidential candidates as being equally unworthy it all boils down to: Are you an ass? Or not? In light of that question, Candidate Not Bush is looking better and better in 2004..... I don't even think I have that big a problem with Bush himself, but his cronies have got to go.

JOHN C. WRIGHT, CRAVEN CAPITALIST: More Googling revealed this review/interview. If you read The Golden Age and found it really jarring that it just ended in the middle of everything--well, here's your answer:

The whole manuscript was composed, written and sold as one unbroken story; the publisher estimated (and I think, wisely) that more people would buy two $25 dollar hardcovers from an unknown author than would buy one telephone-book- sized $40 or $50 dollar book.

Likewise, after the first volume was published, it had received more favorable reviews than are common for a novice author, and the publisher calculated that he and I could double our revenues if we divided the second volume. My children, my beloved wife, and my patient creditors can certainly use the money.

My only regret is that this decision came after the first volume was printed: so that warning I put at the end of volume one (over my editor's objection) that the story was to be concluded in the next volume, now turns out to be false; it will be continued, not concluded. I do not mind rising the price to my readers, if it turns out that I underestimated the market value of my craft; but I do mind misleading the readers, and I hope not to loose their goodwill: I need their money more than they need my books.

It's weird: SF authors write trilogies for commercial reasons (outlined above) but usually they know they're writing trilogies--so the individual books are written to be self-contained. Wright's trilogy clearly isn't; the divisions between books are the natural divisions of the story but it's all the same story; this isn't like when Nancy Kress reshuffles characters in her trilogies (Beggars and Probability) and you end up with separate novels. Even though you end up reading the whole trilogy anyway so you can see how far the story goes. So, I mean, it's like Wright's work is being both more and less compromised by economic concerns: more because in order to sell more books his one book gets split into three, and less because--hey--he didn't have to change anything and write three separate novels and have to explain what had gone before and everything. You have to admire a guy just coming out and saying, "I'm selling it this way because I can make more money this way, so if you like what I write, please buy the whole thing. If I destroy my marketplace value by coming off like a complete capitalist ass who's taking advantage of my readers, well then, so be it, Jedi." Because it's not like he's doing anything different from any other trilogy-writer. He's just being pretty up-front about it.

But anyway, if you're going to read Wright, go in knowing you have to read the whole thing. Hopefully marketplace pressures will reverse themselves and we'll get a giant collected edition one of these days. In fact, that would be an additional book for people to buy, so it'll probably be out sooner rather than later.

SCIENCE FICTION FOR LIBERTARIANS: I'm rereading The Golden Age before I check out Phoenix Exultant, so I'm looking for reviews of the latter and I run across this interview with John Wright, the author, which is goofy in parts (it's an e-mail interview which allows Wright to write the way I imagine Dr. Smith from Lost In Space would) and I see this:

You have also missed the most important reference in my novel: I am writing in imitation of, and as a rebuke to, Last and First Men by Olaf Stapledon. My subtitle "Romance of the Far Future" was meant to echo his subtitle, which (if memory serves me) was "A Romance of the Near and Far Future".

As much as I admire him, Mr. Stapledon and I are philosophical foes. At the zenith of his human evolution, his Eighteenth Human Race on Neptune has a communist utopia with no private property; at the zenith of my human evolution, my Seventh Mental Structure is a libertarian utopia with no public property. His Neptunians are wiped out when the sun increases radiation output; my Helion re-engineers the internal plasma structure of the sun to control the radiation output.

It's a really cool book, reminding me of Bester in its density of ideas--though in that interview Wright says he has no debt to Bester but instead to Jack Vance, who I've never read. There's a certain artificiality to it, but hey, we live in artificial times, as do the characters in the book. But to the nth degree, this being science fiction (where you can carry ideas to the nth degree). And he's not an axe-grinder either; this isn't like if Bob Heinlein turned libertarian or something. (What was he, anyway? Did he ever say? I've always heard the terms "fascist" and "crypto-fascist" in relation to him, but I could be listening to the wrong people.) But check it out if you've got the libertarian leanings and you're a science fiction fan. If you're not an SF fan, you'll just be baffled.

I dug this part from the interview (and, again, to enjoy this interview you have to forgive Wright his over-the-top erudition--not in this part, but in the interview generally) where he was answering something about why all his characters were named for myths:

Greek myths are heroic, noble and tragic; but the American Dream is heroic, comical, and uplifting. Americans are a people in whom overweening ambition is rewarded, not punished. The Wright Brothers did not have their wings melt when they flew too high. Perhaps their wings were more soundly built than those of Icarus. I am certainly writing for those who believe in the American Dream.

SET YOUR VCRS: Nine hours of Bollywood on Turner Classic Movies tonight, and all Thursdays in June.

NBA FINALS TONIGHT AT 8:30 EST, BAY-BEE: Your media rundown looks like this:

Bill Simmons: Nets in six.
Lang Whitaker: Spurs in six
David Dupree: Spurs in six
Mitch Lawrence: Spurs in a number between 3 and 8.
John Hollinger: Spurs in six.

I'd tell you what Tim Kraus thinks, but the office AI has banned all blogspot addresses (but not Blogger itself, curiously), including my own--so I'm blogging blind over here.

My pick? I'm going to be rooting for the Nets though I have no problem with the Spurs (kind of like my relationship with the Devils and the Ducks in the Cup finals). I think the Nets can win and they've certainly been playing like they want to win. And, when in doubt, go with the guy whose enthusiasm made me a better NBA fan. Nets in six.

L'AFFAIRE D'MART: Pennsauken Mart gets another year at least. And they can maybe stay around that same location. Take that, Eminent Domain! I just hope if they rebuild it they don't, like, add actual storefronts or muzak or widen up the shopping lanes or anything--the world doesn't need another mall. The world needs more marts.

YOU MIGHTY DUCK FUCKS: Dang it.

TALK ABOUT GETTING IN ON THE GROUND FLOOR: Read the story of the Silva brothers, former ABA owners who will be getting paid by the NBA for the rest of their lives. See, they signed a deal when they folded their franchise during the merger (the Spirits of St. Louis) that they'd the combined television revenues of the four ABA teams in perpetuity--which of course amounts to millions today. And so: "In other words, the Silna brothers will make more money than the vast majority of NBA teams every year -- without expenses, overhead or headaches. Of course, had they kept their franchise, it probably would have appreciated to more than the $100 million they have made since 1976."

THAT 70s NBA CHAMPIONSHIP: So it's Spurs vs. Nets in the 2-double-O-3. Your mandatory ABA jokes are: they should go back to the red, white and blue ball, everyone should wear afros, the away team should have to be on drugs. Or vice versa--as long as homecourt advantage means something. There you go.

How 'bout Steve Kerr last night? And Stephen Jackson? Jackson's game is probably more impressive, since we all know Kerr is great--maybe we didn't think he could still do what he did last night, but he's been resting for months, it's not like Horry and the Lakers where they were forced to give a bench guy major minutes. But Jackson, like the rest of the non-Duncan Spurs, has been prrrretty sketchy throughout the playoffs, so I personally didn't expect him to do what he did last night. I thought the Spurs would go into the dump-to-Duncan offense yet again and we'd have game seven and Dirk back and Dallas and destiny and everything. I guess all the Spurs need is to have one of their great yet erratic players to have a good game (Parker, Jackson, Ginobili) and to have it happen a few times in a series and the Spurs can win win win.

Anyhow, I love the Spurs, I love the Nets, there's nobody for me to really hate on either side ( if Dallas had won I would have brought the Najera hate to my viewing experience) so here's hoping the basketball gods give us a good series. I really want to see at what point Byron Scott wheels out Dikembe Mutombo. And how well Parker can play in the face of a Kidd onslaught. And the Martin-Duncan matchup. And whatever Manu comes up with. So many questions, so much intrigue.....I feel like Bill Walton, "the GRAND STAGE of the NBA" and all that. Oh man, how I wish ABC had the Albert/Van Gundy/Fratello team, the best on TV which had their final broadcast together last night. Where's that mute button....

NEVER MIND FANTAGRAPHICS: Save Eros Comics. Everybody else can go get published at Top Shelf or Alternative or wherever, but without Eros the high-quality porno comics we all know and love will disappear. So--for the sake of the dirty picture stories--save Fantagraphics. And never mind the irony.

AND I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE: But here's Charlie Murtaugh explaining to you, too, why The Usual Suspects stinks on ice. Maybe he can explain next why so many people like The Shawshank Redemption--another godawful, inexplicably popular movie. I mean, what is it? Tim Robbins getting prison raped? Morgan Freeman with one facial expression? A Steven King movie that people who hate Steven King can watch in relative comfort with King fanboys? What?

ANYHOW: Did anybody catch O'Reilly last night? How did Jacob do?

FEED YOUR O'REILLY HATE: I was looking around for the transcript of Jacob Sullum on Bill O'Reilly last night and I didn't find it but I did find a previous one. And a whole bunch of other ones of poor Bill getting out-argued. Cooool.

EWING THEORY UPDATE: Yes, it took a blow with the Mavs beating the Webber-free Kings, but here's Buck Harvey in the San Antonio Express-News implicitly endorsing it:

Nelson might have evened the series if he'd had Dirk Nowitzki. Years from now, when they look back at this series, everyone will see Nowitzki's absence as the difference.

But the Spurs' staff said afterward they wished he'd played. They said this privately, too, because it sounds nutty: The Mavericks were actually better for one night without Nowitzki.

The other Mavericks came harder and looser, freed from expectations, with a chance to divide up Nowitzki's shots. When Steve Nash, Nick Van Exel and Michael Finley all tossed in threes early for quick leads, Nellie was on his way to getting credit for everything.

He's writing about game four, which the Mavs lost, and not game five, which they won, but it still applies.

THANK YOU, WASHINGTON POST SPORTS SECTION: Teams Without City Need No Pity. Preach on, Brother Strahan:

But if New Jersey has its detractors, it also has its champions. New York Giants defensive end Michael Strahan, whose team plays just a few parking lots and overpasses away, has friends on both the Nets' and the Devils' rosters and believes "New Jersey could become the new sports mecca of the United States.

"There's nothing wrong with New Jersey," he says. "Everyone thinks New Jersey is this horrible place full of chemical plants and Tony Soprano look-alikes, but it's absolutely beautiful once you get away from the area right around the arena. There are parks and golf courses everywhere. This is the Garden State, man."

SO ANYWAY: What's the good-natured bet between Governor McGreevey and the mayor of Anaheim going to be? Half of Bruce Springsteen for all of Mr. Toad's Wild Ride? I'd pull that trade in a minute. We'd have a diminished Bruce (I'm not specifying which half of him we'd keep, and hopefully Anaheim wouldn't catch on until it was too late) but you could stick Mr. Toad in the middle of Great Adventure and I'd finally have a reason to go there. Or on the boardwalk in Wildwood--that would rock. Go Devils! Win us the best thing Uncle Walt ever came up with.

It'd be a better bet than whatever crate-of-Jersey-tomatos vs. crate-of-Mickey-Mouse-ears they've probably already good-naturedly shook on. Ah well.

GARDEN STATE PRIDE: Your New Jersey Nets and your New Jersey Devils are playing for the NBA Championship and the Stanley Cup. Two franchises with limited fan support because they play in an arena in the middle of nowhere. Two franchises that--I mean--I'm not even sure why they exist, except somebody must be making a buck off them; there's no crying need from us Jerseyites for them. Apathy is our credo, that whole valley of humility between two mountains of conceit thing. And yet, here we and they are. Wow.

Don't be fooled, though, whenever anybody says anything about New York on national broadcasts. These are Jersey teams--New York couldn't give a crap. Why do you think I hate the Knicks so much?

RIC BUCHER IS HIGH: There's no way the Spurs should go after Jason Kidd off-season. None. Not the way Tony Parker's been playing. Get somebody who will keep your team distinctive when David Robinson retires--get Jermaine O'Neal or Brad Miller. But don't get somebody who's going to minimize Tony Parker. It's crazy.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR 2003-2004 CLEVELAND CAVALIERS: LeBron James, Dajuan Wagner, Ricky Davis, Carlos Boozer, Darius Miles, and Zydrunas Ilgauskas. With Paul Silas or Jeff Van Gundy coaching. Yikes. Not that I'm expecting them to win a lot of games or anything, but a team that was entertaining and nutty last year (and was a League Pass favorite) just got more entertaining, nuttier, and better to boot. Will Ricky get crazier and become a true locker room cancer or will he prosper under an actual good coach? We shall see.

COOL LITTLE BIT OF SPORTS REPORTING: Mitch Albom hangs out with Joe Dumars on NBA Lottery night. Of course, it's interesting because the Pistons had a happy ending: they get to pick second in the draft, which was as high as they could get this year, due to an earlier debacle where they would get Memphis' pick if it wasn't #1. All signs point to Darko in Detroit next year.

NEVER MIND ANNIKA: Michelle Wie wants to win it all:

[I]t's well-documented that Wie wants to compete on both men's and women's tours, with the ultimate goal of slipping on a green jacket at the Masters. "I would like to play in the Masters by winning either the U.S. Amateur or Public Links or by reaching the top world golf ranking," she said.

Lofty goals indeed. But not surprising to her father, B.J. "She also wants to be the first female to earn a PGA Tour card and become the truly number one player in the world," he said via e-mail. "Although these goals are very difficult to achieve, she seems to enjoy setting the highest standard and works really hard to reach that level. "

B.J. believes the Boise Open will be a good first step. "This opportunity will be a crucial stepping-stone for Michelle to experience what the PGA Tour feels like much in advance of her golf career. We want Michelle to take advantage of this opportunity to gain more experience from playing with PGA Tour members on one of the best golf courses in the country."

As Steve Sailer has suggested, if any woman is going to play at an equal level with men, it's going to be someone who has always played against men--like Wie.

ONCE AGAIN: Head on over to diNboT's, download "I'm Watching 4 U" and listen to it until you can't remember what the original music Britney sang to sounded like. It's working for me.

OH COOL: Plan to keep traditional Big East rivalries alive:

Initial planning for a future without Miami, Boston College and Syracuse included exploration of a plan proposed by former commissioner and Big East founder Dave Gavitt. It might be the best plan for salvaging college football and basketball in the Northeast.

The plan calls for a confederation or alliance, with two eight-team leagues - one for basketball and one for football. Big East commissioner Mike Tranghese would serve as the chief executive officer of both leagues and a commissioner would be appointed for each.

The five remaining football schools - Virginia Tech, Pittsburgh, West Virginia, Rutgers and UConn - would anchor an eight-team all-sports league. Temple would likely be asked to rejoin that league. Louisville and Central Florida are two possibilities mentioned to bring the membership to eight.

There also is talk of congressional action that could help the Big East maintain its Bowl Championship Series status.

The second league would start with the six remaining non-football Catholic schools - St. John's, Seton Hall, Villanova, Georgetown, Providence and Notre Dame - and two additions from a strong pool that would include DePaul, Marquette, Dayton and Xavier.

According to Gavitt's plan, the two conferences would play intraleague games in a weekend basketball festival to begin the season at Madison Square Garden, then play four crossover games during the season to maintain longtime Big East rivalries. The games would count in the overall standings.

Remember: Big East=basketball.

ENCOURAGING BIG EAST OPINION: Curiously from Mike Harris of the Richmond Times-Dispatch, a paper not in a Big East city:

Louisville.

Cincinnati.

Memphis.

There you go.

That's the solution to what is ailing the Big East Conference, a league that has the departure of Miami, Syracuse and Boston College hanging over its proud head. The Atlantic Coast Conference wants those three, and most observers think the ACC is going to get those three. That has the Big East in something of a tizzy.

De-tizzy yourself and let them go graciously if that's what they indeed decide. Shake hands, pat backs, wish each other well and get on with life.

This is a setback. This is not a death sentence.

More:

The football would not be as strong. The Big East would be losing a powerhouse (Miami), a very strong program (BC) and a once-solid program that is starting the downward fall (Syracuse). It would be gaining two solid programs (Louisville, Cincinnati) and one that could use some propping up. Being in a league with the likes of Virginia Tech, Pittsburgh and West Virginia - a league that would have a BCS slot - could go a long way in that propping up process.

Eventually, it could be just as good. Few imagined the Big East would be as good as it is now, and look what happened.

Basketball-wise, the league is losing things in reverse of football with the current national champion (Syracuse), a very solid program (BC) and a program that has faded some after a few good years. But the additions would be a bonanza. You'd be adding a glittery assortment of coaches in Louisville's Rick Pitino, Cincinnati's Bob Huggins and Memphis' John Calipari. Throw those three in to a league that already has Connecticut's Jim Calhoun, West Virginia's John Beilein and Notre Dame's Mike Brey and you have a coaching all-star club.

It would, of course, be a geographically silly Big East, unless by East you mean "East of the Mississippi."

PROBABLY HOPELESSLY UNREALISTIC BIG EAST/ACC SQUABBLE SOLUTION: Why don't the viable ACC and Big East teams form a pan-East coast football megaconference? You could have a Big Atlantic Coast North:

Syracuse
B.C.
Pittsburgh
UConn
Maryland

A Big Atlantic Coast Central:

Duke
North Carolina
North Carolina State
Virginia
Virginia Tech
West Virginia

And a Big Atlantic Coast South:

Clemson
Georgia Tech
Florida State
Miami
South Florida

Everyone else can go sod off, including the godawful Rutgers program. UConn we leave in because 1. though probably godawful, they haven't been proven godawful yet, and 2. they only went Division I because the Big East told them to, so let's have a little pity. Otherwise, you're stuck with an ACC with two geographically isolated members with no natural rivalries with the rest of the conference. Kind of like Miami and the Big East right now. Who let them in, anyway?

REMEMBER YOUR LOTTERY CONSPIRACY THEORIES: Bill Simmons is saying Chicago or New York is getting LeBron. We shall see.

OH WAIT--THE NBA LOTTERY IS TONIGHT AT 8: Sorry about that. Don't sue, please--it's an insolvent republic.

NBA LOTTERY TONIGHT AT 8: Imagine if the Clippers got the first pick. Even Donald Sterling couldn't screw up LeBron--right? Right?

BY THE WAY: Doesn't Boeheim saying he doesn't want to leave mean Syracuse isn't going to leave? I though he was, like, God up there.

ONE OF MY QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIG EAST/ACC FIGHT GET ANSWERED: Me, who has approaching zero interest in college football but has always been a college basketball fan: who will be in the new Big East? The old Big East; that is, whatever happens, the Big East will remain a basketball conference:

Forget half of what you read out of the early days of the Big East meetings. That was when only the football schools were in Florida, which means all the spin about kicking the Catholic schools out of the league was one-sided.

Administrators at three of the five basketball playing Catholic schools have told SportsLine.com they are adamant that they aren't leaving the league, and if there is a split, the main goal is to keep the Big East name, automatic bid to the NCAA Tournament and history. That includes its television contracts (Big Monday), its men's basketball conference championship tournament in Madison Square Garden and its record book.

The Big East name has value. Real value. And those five schools, all original founding members, will wage a holy war before giving it up. Especially against expansion schools such as Virginia Tech and West Virginia, which hardly ever seemed East, let alone Big East.

"We aren't going quietly," promised an athletic director at one of the Catholic schools. "Actually, put it this way. We aren't going anywhere."

I could personally care less if Miami leaves. I care a little more if B.C. and Syracuse leave--I mean, I'm a Boeheim hater but in an affectionate, "Oh cripes--Syracuse is melting down again" way. But I spent the earliest years I can remember in South Oranse, New Jersey, and the first words I ever read were "The Big East" so as long as there's a Big East that plays basketball and has Seton Hall in it I'm fine. I will tolerate no forced removal of basketball schools for the sake of football programs. My Northeastern consciousness can't believe college football brings in the amount of money it does, anyway. It can't around here, anyhow, so I can't see why football should be able to dominate the multisport Big East like this. But whatever.

Dan Wetzel, who I quoted above, says Notre Dame is the key:

NCAA by-laws state that when conferences break up or are formed, any group of six schools that have been together at least five years can maintain a league's automatic NCAA berth. This should be the central argument and most germane in litigation.

If Notre Dame goes with the football schools -- even if it remains a football independent -- then those schools should get the Big East name. If it goes with the basketball schools, then the case will go that way.

Either way, Notre Dame should be playing in the Big East in 2005. Ironically, no other school has such a guarantee. The Irish, in a sense, will get to choose all the other members.

More:

Even if there weren't religious ties, Notre Dame would be best served with its Catholic brethren in a new, expanded Big East Conference.

The Catholic schools provide the best entry into the major media, recruiting markets and alumni bases in the East, which is the point. Stay Catholic and ND will play in New York, Philadelphia, Washington D.C., Providence and North Jersey (even before expansion). The conference tourney will be in Madison Square Garden.

The football schools -- with outposts in Southwest Virginia, West Virginia and rural Connecticut -- can't match that. It's not even close and will get worse when the football side expands to the South.

If the split happens, expect ND to go with the Catholic schools. The now-six members will make a claim on the Big East name and tradition. NCAA rules point to those schools winning the battle. A court of law might disagree, but that group would appear to have the stronger case -- 6 vs. 5.

The five football schools will have to find a new name.

I still hate Notre Dame, though. May they stay with the Big East, so that I may hate them on a regular basis.

BOOTLEG SCENE VERY MUCH ALIVE: Though Boom Selection is gone, there's a link there to McSleazy's Get Your Bootleg On, which has tons of things to download and listen to. I found diNboT's page via there, and you should really listen to everything diNboT's got. The 50 Cent vs. Devo thing is really choice, and the Britney Spears vs. Wire (who?) is amazing--it's A Stroke Of Genius for the new millennium, I tell ya. Or A Stroke Of Genius for the new summer of 2003. Crazy fast-paced culture....

I love these bootlegs, and I love the fact that there's still an active bootleg culture--I was worried. Bootlegs are Bizarro-world pop songs and I hope we have this Bizarro pop radio for years to come.

UNSOLICITED COMIC BOOK RECOMMENDATION: Buy Hsu & Chan. Or read them online, if you're the kind of person who can read comics online. They are the true heirs of Sam & Max.

IF YOU'RE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH BOOM SELECTION_ISSUE 01: And you might be, since people's are finally arriving in the mail--supplement your bootleg love with a little Freelance Hairdresser. I hope somebody puts together an Issue 02, even if Boom Selection itself is apparently dead. For those of us who, you know, don't have the time to sift through a jillion mp3s to get to the good stuff.

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW: If the Spurs don't make their free throws, they can't win this thing. I don't think they can, anyway. It's a seven game series; all the Mavs have to is get hot four times--which they did in the previous two seven-game series--and they'll be outscoring the freethrow-clanking Spurs four times. I mean, 17 misses out of 48 free throws? Yikes. Hey, has the worst freethrow shooting team in the league ever won the championship? There's an obscure and probably meaningless stat for you to seek out.

ONE MORE MATRIX COMMENT: The Philip K. Dick influence is all in the "question reality" themes and nowhere else. If Dick was writing the Matrix, Neo would've still gotten out and possibly saved the world, but been unhappily married and in love/lust with a coworker. And his wife--someone who lived their life in the Matrix and wasn't ever thinking about getting out--would've had a much larger role. Dick did some weird stuff, but it all happened to real people. In the Matrix, we're not even sure who the real people are at this point.

I'LL SAY IT AGAIN: The Democrats need to raise Bush family-Saudi connections if they're going to beat him in 2004. It's the only way. Unless they're hooked on Saudi money too, which would be lousy for all of us.

RELOADED RACIAL STORYTELLING: It's funny--all the programs in the Matrix are gross ethnic stereotypes of one sort or another. Oracle is a refugee from The Color Purple; Seraph expresses himself via martial arts and can't pronounce his l's ("interrocutions" or whatever he said--they made sure he had a terrible accent too.) The Agents are the squarest white guys you've ever heard of. The Merovingian ees as Frahnch as Frahnch can be, mon ami. The Keymaster looks like a Korean immigrant shopkeeper, though he has no accent. Whereas none of the humans have any identifiable cultural origins, besides speaking unaccented English, and many of them--Keanu, Fishburne, that head general guy--are multiracial. Part of it is science-fictiony, probably; just speculation about the people of the post-nationality future would look like. And part of it is probably sly role reversal of Star Trekkish futures with multicultural crews that leave the white people in charge. The rest is your usual shavedy-head sunglass-wearing blather about our posthuman future without any culturally imposed standards or inhibitions blah blah blah blah blah. Not that the Wachowskis are saying that themselves, but it is in there somewhere, I think; Zion is like the whole internal reality of your dark-clothes wearing hipster whose external reality would be the matrix itself and whose viewpoint the Wachowskis are writing large, here, and making substantial. Anyhow, there's your analysis of the racial themes of Matrix 2. I dunno. The Matrix is our empty capitalist society, and people with strong cultural origins only exist as prominent features of the Matrix. What does this add up to?

HOW WILL YOU PREDICT MATRIX SEQUELS WHEN YOU HAVE NO MOUTH, MR. ANDERSON?: Watching Reloaded last night and sitting through the credits to get to the preview for Matrix 3 I realize my predictions are going to be dead wrong--there's no way Agent Smith was ever a proto-The One. Someone else (I forget where) suggested that the Wachowskis might be setting up something where the "desert of the real"--the scorched Earth, the machines, the baby farms, Zion--is another virtual reality. Which would explain (and here's your SPOILER) why Neo could kill a bunch of the rastabots by gesturing at them. Unless the machines are finding new ways to break into reality--the way Agent Smith apparently downloaded himself into a human--and thus Neo is as well. Or unless the Wachowskis are trying to make some point about, like, how can you ever really know anything, man, which would suck; I can't believe they'd destroy all the good will they built up with the first Matrix, which allowed them to get all philosophical and interesting in the second Matrix, by casting doubts on both realities and in a sense reducing the whole thing to Dallas, Season 8.

SYMPATHY FOR THE LAKERS: Poor Kobe. He really didn't think it was going to end, I think--he wasn't just out there, Iraqi Information Minister-style, spouting off about "you can't put us away, you can't beat us" or whatever he said and it being all bluster. He really thought the Lakers were going in win. Sorry, Kobe.

The rest of the Lakers--good riddance. I'm only sorry Rick Fox wasn't there to share the dismal moment.

LONG NATIONAL NIGHTMARE OVER: Lakers lose.

MATRIX PREDICTIONS: Mark my words, Agent Smith is the Darth Vader of this thing, the badass villain who's more memorable than any of the heroes. And he's going to turn hero by the end of the trilogy. The Wachowskis are Star Wars geeks, they know what they're doing; they know Hugo Weaving had all the cool lines in Matrix I. And Neo isn't The One--the old lady told him so. Therefore: Hugo Weaving is The One. I haven't seen Reloaded yet, all I know is there's a bunch of Agent Smiths in it because he's got the magic ability to replicate himself now, so if they all get deleted I'm obviously wrong. But I'm thinking he's either The One or woulda-coulda been The One but got too tempted by the Machine and turned to relentless hatred of all things biological. But he'll turn back in the end ("My GOD! Agent Smith--he--he just hit that other agent with that steel chair! You could here the clank ringing off his cranium....") and save the day or assist in the day-saving. Yep. Spurs in 6, or Lakers in 7.

OH MAN, I'M SUCH A GEEK: And so I will have to watch the new X-Men movie again in a non-geekish fashion, because the whole last scene there--I'm giving away the ending now, so watch out--the Professor Frink voice in my head was saying, "Oh jeez, they're just killing Jean because they need to do the whole Phoenix thing later. Where's the Shi'ar? Where's the Starjammers? Why doesn't Bobby get out and just freeze the water?" And my Professor Frink voice didn't even have its history right as I was comparing this Jean Gray death with her sacrificing herself on the Blue Area of the Moon which is all tragic and amazing and everything and not her first, original death, done purely for plot purposes, which this particular death of Jean Gray surely was inspired by. So I was simulatenously too geeky and not geeky enough in my first viewing--smugly lording my incomplete knowledge over the movie I was watching--and so I will have to watch it again, this time as a normal movie-watching human being.

One image that stuck with me was the death of Yuriko, who has the same healing factor, adamantium skeleton and--one assumes, given that Stryker has her doped up to do his bidding--tragic history as Wolverine. They gave Kelly Hu this amazingly pale, perfect face in this movie, which made for an interesting visual contrast during her fight with Wolvie as the cuts on her whitened face--looking nothing like wounds; they were, obviously, computer-generated blood-red lines drawn upon her face (unlike Wolvie, whose wounds always looked visceral, I guess) faded into nothingness. So when Wolvie pumps her full of liquid adamantium and she can't even scream as the slightest adamantium dribbles from the corners of her mouth and her nose and she cries two adamantium tears it was visually impressive--David Mack probably crapped his pants. And impressive that Singer was reserved in this moment when he could've had her head explode or something and gave a character whose history you mostly have to theorize out of thin air and a little knowledge of X-Men mythology some kind of tragic meaning. More than they gave the other megafox sadly dispatched in this movie, Famke Janssen, but as I said above her death is a plot-death. It's the little things that make these two X-Men movies great--little touches where they could've done nothing--and I hope they make a ton of them.

BASKTETBALL GODS SHOW A LITTLE LOVE: Maybe this is like the year the baseball gods removed the demonic powers Mariano Rivera had in the World Series against the Diamondbacks. Perhaps the basketball gods have decided, in their wisdom, that Robert Horry had made enough series-killing three-point shots. And so, it rattled out. Of course, there's no reason to resort to mysticism when you can argue that in a season where Shaq and Kobe have not had a lot of help and thus where Horry has had to play a lot more minutes in the regular season than he's used to he's bound to be worn down in a situation where he's usually fresh--in other words, if there was a moment in his career where he was going to miss that shot--his shot--last night was it.

And maybe, for once, the Lakers just aren't lucky this year. What did Napoleon say? "All very well and good, but tell me one thing; is he lucky?" Kobe even admitted it: "We're a tough team to put out....It has something to do with luck, something to do with our grit, our fight. Game 6, we're going to give it our all." Except they didn't have the luck last night, and may not have it this year. If the Spurs are smart, they'll realize they've been granted the kind of miracle a championship team needs and smother the Lakers in Game 6. If they don't, I do not like their chances in Game 7.

And Tim Duncan really blew it last night, leaving Horry open, and he knew it. He had the most sheepish look on his face when Sager was interviewing him after the game, like he was embarrassed to have won. Hopefully this morning he wakes up and says to himself, "HEY! We won," and calls Tony Parker and tells him that and they go out and push the Lakers over the cliff. Remember, Spurs, aside from Kobe these are not the same Lakers of years past; they're either diminished or Jannero Pargo. And you can beat Jannero Pargo.

BUSY: Busy busy. Watch the Lakers and Spurs tonight at 9:30; since C-Webb went out this is the de facto NBA championship the Western Conference finals were supposed to be. Help us, Obi-Wan Ginobili, you're our only hope.

LOUSY STINKING SAN ANTONIO SPURS: The NBA. I haaaaaaate this game.

STUDYING: Be back in a few. Howzabout them Spurs? Huh?

HEY: Anybody ever read any of those Left Behind books? Any good? People say they're like Stephen King but for Christians but if they mean Stephen King in terms of plot that tells me nothing, if they mean Stephen King in terms of the infectious joy of writing that you get from a good Stephen King book that tells me everything. King is a great writer and a horror schlockmeister--not just the latter. What about the Left Behind guys?

FOUR GAME SIXES TONIGHT: That's a lot of opportunity for a lot of people to go fishing. That's like a whole fleet of schooners and whole lot of fish sticks afterwards. Will we have four series conclude tonight? Possibly:

PACERS AT CELTICS: The one most likely to end tonight, with Boston over Team Isiah. The Pacers don't look like they have a clue. I shudder at the size of the tantrum Artest might throw afterwards, or during.

WOLVES AT LAKERS: The other one most likely to end tonight. Poor Troy Hudson looks like he's finally cooled off, and the Wolves as a team don't look they'll be able to sustain the effort that got them Games Two and Three (and almost Four) again in this series. I don't know who you blame--when they were on the Wolves looked great. Blame Flip? I guess.

NETS AT BUCKS: The Nets aren't good enough to beat the Bucks in 6, methinks, and may opt to take a breather and pull away in the fourth quarter in Game Seven. That's the way the Nets like to drag things out.

SPURS AT SUNS: I dunno, I'm not putting this last because I'm definitely sure the Suns will win tonight--I just don't know what to predict. These teams could play in a 21-game series and go to overtime in the 21st game.

FUNNY LITTLE SHORT STORY I ENJOYED: Courtney Cox's Asshole by Jill Soloway. Via Daze.

SEX-SELECTIVE ABORTION: One in six female fetuses aborted in Rohtak, India. Via diotima.

THANK YOU, JULIAN SANCHEZ: "In other news, James Miller reminds us why, whenever a game theorist looks at romance, the first two thoughts to arise, in quick succession, are: (1) huh, that's an interesting way to look at it, and (2) wow, you never get laid, do you?" Yeah, thanks.

UPDATE: Radley Balko also rips Stanley Kurtz--which was what Julian's post above was actually about. A real fierce ripping, that you should read.

YOUR STATE OF BEER ADVERTISING REVIEW: It goes like this:

MILLER LITE: We have ads with a strong narrative drive (for commercials) and playful intelligence. The male desire for hot chicks is parodied and played up to at the same time. We're not afraid of alienating our (presumably) male audience by showing hot man-on-man action for the benefit of the ladies. Actual women appear in our ads.

BUD LITE: We make jokes wherein the male desire for hot chicks or cold beer gets him into crrrrazy situations. Think "Three Stooges"--not that there's anything wrong with that. Women exist only as the butt of jokes (like the fat lady in Marx Brothers movies, only hot) or to laugh at the guy when he is the butt of the joke. Animals inexplicably appear throughout our ads, since we're tying to hook 'em while they're young. No actual women--or animals--appear in our ads.

COORS LITE: We are the COORS. Your visual and biological distinctiveness will be added to our own. Thinking is futile. Analysis is futile. There is only images. There is only posturing. There is only having a good time. We are the COORS.

(No actual human beings appear in Coors ads.)

ELLE MACPHERSON BUILDS LEAD-LINED CRIB FOR CHILD: Jeff Taylor makes funny:

To recap, that's lead, a well-known health-hazard to young kids, vs. cosmic rays, not a threat outside of comic books or the minds of the bipolar.

You woulda thought Elle would want her kid to turn out to be a superhero....

WHAT HENLEY SAID: Go read the Cogent Provocateur on Iraq and WMDs. "You've been had, John Q. Public, and it's for your own good!"

YOUR INITIAL NBA REF HATE LINK: Tim Kraus on Steve Javie and "Knick" Bavetta.

JACKIE STILES WATCH: The Topeka Capital-Journal gives you the story of Jackie Stiles, the all-time NCAA basketball scoring leader, former WNBA rookie of the year and now an afterthought, taken by the Sparks in the Portland dispersal draft. An excerpt:

The dream went pro in the spring of 2001, when the Portland Fire made her the fourth pick in the WNBA draft. She received a two-year, $110,000 contract, and began her career as a professional without missing a step, averaging 15 points and becoming the league's rookie of the year.

But sometime during that first year, it all began to unravel. After the adrenaline wore off from a late-season game against the Los Angeles Sparks, Stiles noticed pain in her right wrist. A lot of pain. There were bone spurs and scar tissue and ligament damage and, well, "there was a lot wrong," she said.

She underwent surgery on Sept. 11, 2001, but it didn't take. She was damaged goods from the very start of the 2002 season. Her normal range of motion had been 90 degrees. After surgery, that was reduced to 40 degrees or less.

Her pristine jump shot lost its follow-through. She lost her edge.

"Mentally, I wanted to do everything, but, functionally, I just couldn't do it," she said. "The team expected me to score, and I had no idea where the ball was going when it left my hand."

Not much at all about Stiles in the LA Times, by the way, but you can't slam anybody too much for not caring about the WNBA. I say this a lot, but the WNBA has got to cultify itself if it's going to survive. Which is probably their only choice at this point; the mass-marketing has clearly failed.

LITTLE BIT ON THE DIXIE CHICKS I LIKED: From Capital City Kyle on the DVDVR Board:

[I]f you are going to bash them, it is because the chubby one is a pussy. Anyone can go across seas and bash our elected leader in front of a supportive crowd. But do you think she'd ever say that to a crowd in Texas? I don't. That is what annoys me. She is a coward. If she did, then I'd think she had nuts and I'd be very impressed.

An intriguing analysis--almost as intriguing as the she-male phone ads in the back of Club. Wait....

NBA PLAYOFF POST #5: All praise to the CNNSI scoreboard.

PACERS 83, CELTICS 101: Hey, the Celtics play with a ton more energy than the Pacers. I know I said I wanted them out quick before, but when they are on--or when Paul Pierce is on--they are good to watch.

NETS 103, BUCKS 101: This series, like all Eastern series, is kind of pointless, but it was neat to see Rodney Rogers clank two free throws and then get the rebound and a quick two for the win. The best part of the game was George Karl afterward, blaming the refs for the loss, saying that they missed Kenyon Martin beating up poor little Anthony Mason under the basket before Rogers got the ball. It was amusing when they showed Karl's comments right after showing Mason saying it wasn't any big deal. George Karl, as a coach....he's not so hot.

WOLVES 114, LAKERS 110: During this game you just got the feeling the Lakers didn't want to win--they didn't want to play at a high level and match the Wolves and win on their superior talent. They just looked tired and beat out there. Lakers in six.

YOU'RE OUT OF YOUR GOURD: "In addition, the State Department warned that Haiti has become "a staging point" for non-Haitians, including Pakistanis and Palestinians, to enter the United States. That raised new fears of a possible terrorist threat." Our government gets goofier by the second. And I become a stronger supporter of Candidate Not Bush in 2004.

KEEP UP WITH YOUR CULTURE: Know who The White Stripes are. If somebody asks at a party, or something.

FIRST THREE 2003 NBA DRAFTEES NOW KNOWN: Carmelo Anthony declares for draft. Go out on top if you can, I guess.

MILLER LITE AD UPDATE: The latest one has the unfortunate girlfriends completely in control of the fantasy, as it now has two handsome males resolving their differences via the free and open expression of emotions--which is, of course, the exact female equivalent of the original catfight. In the end both gentlemen take off their shirts, thus fulfilling the (secondary) female need for eye candy. God bless Miller Lite and this whole fine, goofy campaign. Even though I wouldn't ever buy their product in a million years, these ads have been fantastic.

NBA PLAYOFF POST #4: Let's get to it:

HORNETS 85, SIXERS 90: Thank you for playing, New Orleans Hornets. No Mashburn and no Baron Davis means no fun for the Hornets, especially if the rest of the Sixers are going to step it up when AI isn't quite as hot.

MAGIC 77, PISTONS 89: The Pistons proved their point--that they weren't going to get beaten easily by a number 8 seed. I still think the T-Mac onslaught will prove to be too much in the end.

BLAZERS 99, MAVS 103: Welcome to Blazers First Round Exit Number 27. That team is such a symbol for high-level mediocrity--eternal playoff team, never a playoff winner or a team with a breakout season. I think they need to have a crappy season so they can get in the lottery and start again.

Thanks to the CNNSI scoreboard.

YOUR GREATEST SEARCH THAT FINDS MY WEBLOG POST OF THE DAY: Number 3 for "spongebob squarepants" and "marxism". Ah yes, the eternal dialectic of starfish overthrowing their spongine oppressors...

STATUE STORY: Here's Jesse Walker today:

In Serbia, for instance, university students in 1998 created a non-violent resistance movement, Otpor ("resistance" in Serbian). Its central mission was to peacefully undercut Milosevic. Sometimes this just meant mocking him — the group's "He's Finished" stickers popped up everywhere. Members spray-painted their symbol, a clenched fist, or "Otpor" on walls and distributed thousands of copies of Sharp's strategies for non-violent opposition. As the movement grew, Milosevic's government became less sure that its soldiers and police would obey if ordered to crack down on the rebels.

Clearly, no such popular movement existed in Saddam's Iraq, even though Iraqis had plenty of good reasons to hate their government. It's not because Saddam was especially more oppressive than Iran's rulers: When democratic ferment began in Iran, it faced one of the world's most repressive regimes. And it's certainly not because ordinary Iraqis are incapable of asserting themselves.

One major difference between Iran and Iraq: U.S. sanctions against Iran are much less severe than the ones against Iraq. Except in the Kurds' northern zone, the sanctions rendered Iraq's citizens more dependent on Saddam's government, and thus — perversely — helped crush the independent institutions needed for a real revolution. The end result was symbolized when Saddam's statue came down. In Eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union, jubilant crowds tore down the hated dictatorships' statues themselves. In Iraq, a much smaller crowd needed Uncle Sam's tanks.

Iraqi civil society is weak; even a completely well-intentioned occupation government will have a hard time transferring power to it. In Iran, however, the population should be able to throw off its oppressors and govern itself when the tipping point comes.

That's worth remembering as Americans mull Iraq's lessons and eye the region's other dictatorships.

"FOR THEM TO WIN AN NBA TITLE WOULD DEFY EVERYTHING THAT EVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE NBA": Bill Simmons on the Dallas Mavericks.

DON'T BLAME THE NADER VOTER WATCH: Green Party muckety-muck responds to Chuck Taylor's slander. There's not enough Clinton-hating in her letter for my tastes, but a lot of Gore-hating, which is fine with me. Again: next time, Al, carry your home state.

NBA PLAYOFF POST #3: Thanks to the CNNSI scoreboard.

BUCKS 88, NETS 85: MUTOMBO need more playing time! Smaller players INFERIOR to LARGEST PLAYER, MUTOOOOOMBO! MUTOMBO key to every victory IN HISTORY OF NBA!

WOLVES 119, LAKERS 91: I don't really expect this to happen again--Troy Hudson can never be this unstoppable again in his entire life. Unless he is. And the Lakers missed too many open threes that would've changed everything and given the Wolves more of an opportunity to wilt. So the first two games are a wash, with the Associate Lakers being on fire in Game One and Troy Freaking Hudson and Rod Strickland being on fire in Game Two. I expect both teams to resume normality in the next four games and for the Lakers to slowly grind this thing out. I mean--it would be crazy to get my Laker-hating hopes up at this point.

WELL THAT'S PRETTY GREAT: Minnesota Wild defeats Colorado Avalanche in Game Seven. Always good to see Patrick Roy out of the playoffs.

PALEOCONS, TRANSFORM, AND FORM....LINCOLNIUS MAXIMUS!: Brief reports from the paleocon-neocon fight from Richard Poe and Jeff Taylor.

STILL SPEAKING OF BEER: Negro Modelo really rules. I like me some Red Stripe sometimes too.

SPEAKING OF BEER: The latest Miller Lite ad has one of the mischievous lads writing himself into the catfight fantasy. He receives his comeuppance in the end, as one of his unlucky dates adds a final twist to the dreamscape, turning it into a nightmarish combat between pasty fratboy and overweight, underloved middle-aged male. I guess with all the outcry about the original ad the Miller Lite higher-ups couldn't let them just have their goofy fantasy. A shame, really. Or not.

REPORT FROM THE PABST BLUE RIBBON FRONT: Fritz Schrank says that PBR never had the reputation of being swill--it was always finer than that. Pabst in fact had its own private Old Milwaukee back in the day--Red White & Blue beer, which I vaguely remember but I haven't seen anywhere in years--and the only place I ever saw it was grocery stores in west Michigan. Again, though, I don't think the gist of that Post story was that PBR is crap and that's why the kids like it; the kids like it because it's somehow a product uncorrupted by marketing in a commercialized society. Like, it's more legit now as a working class beer than say Bud is, because Bud's working class image is a product of its commercials and the way it advertises, whereas the unadvertised, unremarked Pabst simply is. You can't argue with it.

Weisblogg has more. I'd tell you where, but Marc would have to have permalinks for me to do that.

THE ETERNAL DEBATE: Sportsfilter just resurrected the old NBA vs. NHL question; here's my contribution:

For whatever reasons--Canadian government-sponsored Internet access, the close pyschological interrelatedness of nerdity and hockey appreciation--there are about a million more hockey fans than NBA fans online. So there's my explanation why that poll has the 5th American pro sport all over the 2nd American pro sport. Plus hockey has never transcended its hockey cult roots, while the NBA became an important part of our culture starting in the 80s with Magic and Bird and going into full cultural takeover mode during the Jordan era. So--I mean--the cultishness of the NHL has probably driven a lot of fans online, where things that are underserved by mainstream media interests thrive.

I prefer the NBA playoffs myself, as I cannot enjoy the ulcers overtime NHL games give me. Plus NHL series always seem like they're won by luck more than anything else, like you could run through the playoffs 16 different times and get 16 different winners. I dunno. Anyhow, sitting through NHL overtime makes my stomach hurt. Watching Stephon Marbury score a miracle three as time expires makes the world seem like a better place to me.

NBA NONSENSE: Drew Gooden, budding star.

OH AWESOME: Bill Simmons' NBA playoff picks. At long last.

NBA PLAYOFF POST #2: I recap, you decide.

SUNS 76, SPURS 84: The Spurs should keep wearing down the Suns to win this thing, although Tony Parker has been completely smoked by Stephon Marbury--which you would expect, Steph is a budding if-not-quite-there-yet star. But Tony's had nothing and Speedy Claxton was a much better choice last night; I mean, his ten points are almost the margin of victory. And it was really terrible watching Stephen Jackson miss four consecutive threes.

CELTICS 77, PACERS 89: Eh.

JAZZ 95, KINGS 108: Howboutit, sports fans? Are the Kings finally playing like champions? Imposing their will on teams and all that. Well, maybe.

Thank you, CNNSI scoreboard.

"BUT REASON DOES NOT OFTEN PREVAIL IN THE AFFAIRS OF NATIONS AND STATES. PASSION RULES." There can be only Ralph. Screw Fareed Zakaria, Ralph Peters is the true intellectual king of the moment.

PLAYOFF INEXPERIENCE: Thy name is Orlando Magic:

In the final huddle before victory, the Orlando Magic players thought about how not to celebrate.

"Yo, make sure we walk off the court," Tracy McGrady demanded. "No celebrating."

Darrell Armstrong nodded. "Act like we know what we're doing," he said.

NBA PLAYOFF WEEKEND #1: Let's do a little recapping:

BUCKS 96, NETS 109: I am the world's biggest Nets-doubter coming into the playoffs, but maybe they will pull it all together when it counts.

CELTICS 103, PACERS 100: I have no problem with either of these two teams, but I expect neither to win the East, and in fact lose in the ugliest way possible. Hopefully the Celtics will make it quick.

SUNS 96, SPURS 95: A great game with two miracle threes that gave the Suns overtime and then the win. I really can't imagine the Suns winning the series, tho'.

MAVS 96, BLAZERS 86: Eh, in the battle of Team Dysfunction and Team No Defense I expect Team No Defense to win--though I couldn't possibly predict the form it will take (a sweep, seven games, all points inbetween.)

JAZZ 90, KINGS 96: For series that just have to be played even though the outcome is not in doubt, the NBA should have the series go back to five games. Here's hoping the Kings make this as quick as possible--the Jazz are another team who lose ugly ugly ugly.

MAGIC 99, PISTONS 94: The Magic can and probably will win this series. One Tracy usually beats a bunch of Chaunceys, and the Magic have their own Chaunceyesque figures--Gooden and Giricek. I dunno. This is a 1-8 matchup, but this is the East and there just isn't that wide a gulf between these two teams.

LAKERS 117, WOLVES 98: Thank you for playing, Minnesota Timberwolves. Whatever fantasy I had about the Wolves winning their first playoff series in the toughest and most dramatic way possible is just not going to happen.

HORNETS 90, SIXERS 98: Allen Iverson is so much fun to watch. Sixers in seven and with the most dramatic game seven you can think of. Until the next round.

There you go. Thank you, CNNSI Scoreboard.

IF I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE FOLLOWING ITEM TO YOU, YOU'RE A BETTER MAN THAN I, GUNGA DIN: An overview of the Decepticon cassettes. Via Neilalien.

OH CRAP: Pabst Blue Ribbon the trendy new beer. Via one of the Volokhs. The weird thing is, it's not a marketing thing, people seem to be choosing Pabst because it isn't marketed:

The increase comes the way a populist trend should: from the ground up. Pabst is Consumer Lite, a refreshing blend of economy and Americana, without all the heavy marketing campaigns, the greasy reinvention, the paid celebrity endorsements. It represents simpler times -- how nice in a world of corporate scandals and missing persons, 24-hour news, terrorism and burst economies.

Pabst sells its image of plainness -- its look of regular-guy health, its artless presence among the racks of imports and million-dollar household names -- in part because Pabst has no other choice.

Its advertising budget is pocket change, its production volume historically low. Stewart says there has not been a PBR television campaign in at least 10 years. Radio spots are limited to local endorsements, and print ads are relegated to the bargain bin of weekly alternative papers.

More:

While part of Pabst's appeal may be its low price, no more than $2.50 a can (or bottle, where available) in bars, most name-brand domestics are sold for not much more. Other sub-premium beers, such as Busch and Natural Light, are priced comparably. Pabst caught on among some elusive Gen-Xers for other reasons, namely because of what it isn't: mainstream.

The popularity of PBR is a lesson in reverse psychology. Young adults have taken to the beer because it wasn't forced down their throats. Like ugly clothes and extreme sports, Pabst's value lies in its expression of individuality and choice, a rejection of consumer society by those who feel manipulated by it. Pabst's selling point is its distinct unpopularity, its unself-conscious existence among beers that reinvent themselves as regularly as political candidates.

When sales started to increase among this demographic, Pabst marketers did something almost unprecedented. They stayed out of the way.

"We want people to discover it," Stewart says. "We allow them to find that it's on the premises, that it's making a comeback. Our marketing is that we really facilitate what the market wants."

And:

For now, low-saturation marketing has paid off. Pabst projects an image of casual earnestness. Buy it or don't buy it. Whatever. It is an image shared with today's indie rock scene, indie film scene, skateboarding scene, art and literary scenes. It is the image that, ironically, sells.

While most young consumers buy clothes and cars to make themselves seem as affluent and desirable as possible, the materialism of many of today's counterculture youth is just the opposite. It is meant to reflect the economics of "reality," of working-class thriftiness, of the notion of America at its best, at its most optimistic, at its blue-collar prime. Of course, this is not America. This is Americana -- and an appetite for what was good when things are going bad.

You should really read the whole thing, it's pretty fascinating. Just the idea of Pabst Blue Ribbon being a pure, authentic beer, when it's pretty terrible stuff--it fascinates me, anyway. In an all-pervasive consumer culture you piss off the squares by returning a fondly-remembered working class beer to prominence. And I think the Pabst label has a lot do with it--it has to be one of the greatest corporate icons ever. And it hasn't changed in a hundred years, which is kind of like being ceaseless and eternal in our culture. So--yes--I do think the constant presence of Pabst of a century of American life is what's fueling its current resurgence. You can but, but you can't market, that kind of authenticity.

Pabst looks coolest in the silver labelled brown bottles--though that review above claims aluminum is a necessary part of the distinctive Pabst taste. But if you're buying it for statement purposes, go with the bottles.

FIRST BABY STEPS TAKEN TOWARDS KOBE HAVING HIS OWN TEAM: Kobe to file for free agency in 2004. Via SPORTSbyBROOKS. Maybe he really is going to follow Jerry West to Memphis. I mean, it's just a rumor, maybe he'll just wait for Shaq to retire and thus for the Lakers to become his team. But still, Shaq and Kobe together are not capturing the public's imagination the way one would think a dominant champion would--in WWE terms the current NBA resembles the Bret Hart interregnum of the late 90s. Maybe chief bookerman D. Stern is whispering in Kobe's ear....

REMEMBER: NBA Playoffs begin tomorrow at 12:30. There's like 18 hours of basketball to be watched, and I'm sure we'll all huddle around our televisions in a communal festival of basketball unity. Well, we should. Why are there like five bloggers who watch the NBA (Tim Kraus, Shanti, Layne & Welch, myself) and like five thousand who watch the NHL? Do the recruitment packages the hockey cult temples offer involve free internet? I don't get it.

I DON'T KNOW ART, BUT I KNOW WHAT I HATE: Saddam palace art. Via Englands' Sword.

NEOCONS, ATTACK!: One of the features of the contemporary neoconservative temperament that most irritates people of a wide variety of views is the compulsion to win every single goddam argument, no matter how ridiculous the contortions they have to put themselves through to do it. Where's the sense of proportion? Why not just say: "Yeah, we screwed up on this looting thing, but you have to put it in perspective, and the net effects of the war looks good overall." That "conservatives" are mouthing excuses for rioting that Jesse Jackson would be ashamed to use is a disgrace. Thank you, iSteve.

GOOD WNBA ANALYSIS: In the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, from Art Thiel, who is realistic about women's pro sports without the usual, obnoxious "women's sports just suck" attitude:

Besides the fact that the women's game isn't the above-the-rim spectacle to which the sports public has become accustomed, the NBA has virtually doomed the WNBA to failure by booking it for the summer. The NBA's owners who controlled their arenas needed filler events to enhance the package for overpriced luxury suites, neglecting to consider the fact that in places such as Portland and Seattle, relatively few want to spend glorious summer evenings indoors (see Kingdome baseball).

Part of the reason the WNBA has had modest success in Washington, D.C., and Houston is because summers there are so insufferable that an evening in an air-conditioned building has appeal.

Then again, the winter version of women's hoops didn't work, either. The late American Basketball League, including the Seattle Reign, played a winter schedule and paid its players well -- stars earned more than $100,000. But it lost $10 million in two years, then folded when the NBA machine muscled it out of existence.

The ABL was growing women's hoops organically, playing in smaller arenas and building a constituency somewhat independent of the men's game. The NBA thought it could invent a major league simply through the power of its marketing. Expanding from eight teams in 1997 to 16 in 2002, when the quality of play was already dramatically inferior to the men's game, was as dumb as forcing front-office staffs to handle chores for both teams. The junior varsity feel has never gone away.

The WNBA was always overreaching, from the very beginning. They should have looked backwards to the NHL--the original cult sport, which started with the fabled "Original Six"--and not pretended from the beginning that the WNBA was this huge major sport. I blame Michael Jordan, the NBA though that after his success they could market anything into existence. Sadly, you have to be an actual marketable commodity to have Jordanesque mass appeal.

UPDATE: An actual hypermarketable commodity to have Jordanesque appeal, I should say. Anybody read this book about Jordan and "the rise of global capitalism"? Any good?

OF NBA INTEREST: Eric Neel interviews Mike Bibby.

OH DOCTOR, THE WAY YOU TELL THAT MONTY PYTHON JOKE, IT'S JUST SO....STIMULATING: Maria Yang on a certain kind of attractive weirdo.

MY FAVORITE BILL SIMMONS THEORY: Is, of course, the one where the league breaks up Shaq and Kobe for the sake of us, the basketball-watching public:

So the question remains: Who wants to watch the two best players in the world share the spotlight on the same basketball team? Instead of Crockett and Tubbs, they're more like Crockett and Crockett, two alpha dogs tugging on the same bone. So far, they've managed to settle their issues by playoff time -- like two bullies calling a truce so they can split everyone's lunch money. Sometimes Shaq takes over, sometimes Kobe does, but neither seems happy about taking a back seat. Their improbable relationship contrasts with every success story in basketball history. Doesn't someone have to emerge as The Guy? How can the Lakers keep winning like this? Is the rest of the league really this crummy?

This year's team stumbled out of the gate like a post-Face/Off Travolta movie, with Shaq nursing his faulty big toe and Kobe unfairly bashed for shooting too much. Years of shaky front-office management were finally taking their toll: A team can only endure so many Samaki Walker and Devean George signings. Now, with Shaq and Kobe each going for 30 every night, everyone is again brushing over their little episodes -- like Kobe gunning for that scoring record in February, shooting so much that Shaq and his disgruntled teammates stopped running over midcourt after awhile, like the human teammates in Teen Wolf. But the fact remains: These things shouldn't happen on quality teams.

Except for the first stages of Kobe's dramatic scoring binge, there's been a joylessness in LA this season. Watching Shaq and Kobe is like watching an old married couple struggle to remember why they liked each other in the first place. Maybe 250-plus games over the past three years have taken their toll; rarely, if ever, does it seem like these guys enjoy playing together. The triangle seems tired, the Kobe-Shaq dynamic seems tired, everything seems tired. When Kobe sinks a game-winning shot, his teammates react like they have to celebrate or they'll get fined.

The Lakers' demise feels inevitable, like watching an episode of Behind the Music and waiting for the band-self-destructs segment. Unlike other NBA dynasties, these guys always seem vulnerable, a makeshift champion too top-heavy for the long haul. Remember that the 2000 Blazers blew a 15-point lead against them, and the Kings squandered so many chances last spring? Eight good players should always beat two great ones: The Lakers lucked out twice. It won't happen again; there's no third above-average player on the roster anymore.

I can't take too much comfort in the fact that Bill is predicting a Lakers collapse this year--he's been wrong before, especially with that Mavs-Kings series last year. I must remain agnostic about the Lakers not winning it until I see them not winning it. It's the only way to avoid, or at least put off for a while, horrible disappointment.

WELCOME TO THE RALPH PETERS FAN BLOG: It's so great, just the way he can passionately praise soldiers and passionately hate the defense industry:

As our soldiers and Marines continue to risk their lives clearing out pockets of fanatics, Washington's masters of spin have begun to twist the facts, lying about this war for advantage and profit.

Business as usual. Except that the Beltway parasites are spitting in the blood of heroes this time.

More:

Yet now we have begun to hear that the ground troops we saw fighting their way to Baghdad really didn't do that much, that they only served to herd Iraqi forces into kill zones where air power destroyed them.

Tell that to the Marines who fought from building to building in Nasiriyah. Tell it to the troopers of the 3rd of the 7th Cavalry who fought the longest uninterrupted series of engagements, in time and distance, in U.S. military history - while blowing sands reduced visibility to handgun range. Tell it to the soldiers and Marines who had to fight their way into, then pacify Baghdad, An Najaf, and Karbala.

You can't even take a surrender from 25,000 feet.

Yet no soldier or Marine would be foolish - or cynical - enough to insist that their service had won the war by itself. The Air Force, though, delivers such tremendous profits to the defense industry that its partisans will insist, despite all evidence to the contrary, that this war really did prove that ground forces are outdated and that air power trumps all.

The defense industry wants to sell $200 million aircraft, not inexpensive rifles, canteens and boots. The amounts of money at stake run from hundreds of billions of dollars in the near term to trillions in the out-years. G.I. Joe can defeat our na- tion's enemies, but he can't beat the forces of greed inside the Beltway.

Yes, military technology is a wonderful enabler. Give us more. But make it appropriate technology, not just what corporations want to sell. Demand a strict accounting and rigorous oversight. And don't succumb to the accountant's desire to free up funds by cutting the people our military sorely needs.

He's like the general in Akira, all beset by corrupt money-grubbing civilians who have wormed their way into power. That would make Rummy the short old guy with the crazy hair. I wonder who Tetsuo would be in this whole thing--Dubya? You know, random guy suddenly granted amazing powers? Maybe. Wait, so who's Kanada then? I have no idea. Al Gore? "DUUUBBYAAAAAA!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAALLL!"

UPDATE: Oh right, of course--it's Jacques Chirac. "DUUUUBBBYAAAAA!" "CHIRRRRAAAAAC!"

Repeat your jokes until you get them right, that's my motto.

FOR WHATEVER IT'S WORTH: John Hollinger likes Orlando and Philly in the East. The NBA has reached the point where the Eastern Conference playoffs don't actually matter, but somebody has to get their name in the record books as having played for the championship, and McGrady vs. Iverson sounds like a great series. I'll be watching.

EEYIKES: Kevin Drum smacks Glenn Reynolds something fierce.

FOREIGN COUNTRIES SURE ARE FOREIGN: How is anybody only getting 18 years for calmly and deliberately killing Pim Fortuyn? Where's the justice? If you're "rationally" dead-set on killing somebody, you can rationally expect to get your liberty removed. I don't get it.

HATE WAR, LOVE WARRIOR: I love how Ralph Peters can hate on Rumsfeld and praise our soldiers at the same time:

[T]he shock-and-awe air campaign was such a disappointment that Pentagon briefers immediately wrote it out of the war's history, much the way Stalin's Politburo used to erase purged figures from official photographs.

The truth is that the strategic air campaign was worth trying. And we may yet learn of unexpected results from the attempted decapitation strikes. But no air effort could have lived up to the hype civilian "experts" imposed on it.

For shock-and-awe type air campaigns to work, there are three requirements: Surprise, truly overwhelming blows and an enemy leadership that regards surrender as an option. But months of schoolyard threats from Pentagon staffers as to what the air campaign would do to Saddam's regime both ruled out surprise and prepared our enemy psychologically. When they finally came, our airstrikes on Baghdad were colorful, but cautious and slight in effect. And Saddam and his cronies never viewed surrender as an option.

The second, graver error was the ideologically motivated refusal to send more troops to the theater of war prior to hostilities. When commanders in combat complained that they needed more troops, senior leaders silenced them. When retired generals insisted that more troops should have been sent, the Office of the Secretary of Defense (OSD) shamelessly branded them as disloyal, portraying war heroes as defeatists and distorting their comments to a degree worthy of the Iraqi information minister.

Wait until the soldiers who fought this war write their memoirs. Then judge.

Certainly, we won a magnificent victory. But our military won it despite OSD's micro-management.

Size matters. More troops would have allowed us to seize Tikrit and close the roads to Syria a week earlier, preventing the flight of key Iraqi officials. We lacked the forces to seize Baghdad and continue the attack simultaneously.

Our inability to guard hospitals and the failure to protect Baghdad's National Museum of Antiquities from looters are undeniable stains on an otherwise unblemished record. We needed more troops on the ground to establish a presence throughout Baghdad and elsewhere. Out of sight, our troops were out of mind.

Despite denials from the secretary of defense that more troops were needed, the 4th Infantry Division had to be rushed to Iraq. Other reinforcements - hastily flown in - included an airborne brigade, an armored cavalry regiment, an additional heavy brigade and another light brigade, with more units slated to follow. Have they been hurried to Iraq because they were unnecessary?

This has been a brilliant campaign. But it was won by soldiers, not by civilian "experts" who regard our troops as nothing more than strategic janitors. The recent suggestions by party hacks who disdained military service to the effect that they and their ideas won the war is conduct unbecoming. Even by Washington's standards.

Hate on Rumsfeld, and not even mention his name. He's got it down to an artform.

WHAT THE HEY: Miami Heat retire Michael Jordan's number. Via Sportsfilter. You know, Michael Jordan, the guy who has been involved in so many Miami Heat victories over the years. How completely and utterly nonsensical.

INTERESTING: Discrepancies in the accounts of Rachel Corrie's death. I keep thinking about what Anthony Swofford said about her:

The possibility that an action might be ineffective has never stopped Americans, thank maman for that. Among other things, the protesters are also protesting against the ineffective nature of their footfalls and signs. This desire to hit the street when you know your voice will not budge the mountain is famously and gloriously AMERICAN. I think of the young American woman who died in Israel last week, putting her body between a Palestinian shack and an Israeli bulldozer. What madness! What shrill crazy hope!