ANYHOW: We showed up at like six fifteen, six thirty to try and get on The Price Is Right and I'm like that'll be plenty of time --we'll be THE FIRST ONES THERE and end up sitting around so I brought my extremely informative book with me --David Harris' The League: The Rise & Decline of the NFL, written back when the NFL actually was in decline due to Al Davis' shenanigans and labor unrest and Bob Irsay and a bunch of different things. If you want to know anything about the Rozelle era and the formation of the modern NFL, this is the place to go, just realize the focus is almost exclusively on the owners of the NFL franchises; he barely mentions who won the Superbowls and other onfield stuff. But of course there's a huge line which I don't understand, having little game show knowledge --I shoulda asked Dave Tepper for tips, in retrospect-- I figured, how many people really want to get on a game show? The answer is many, and too many, and so my brother did not get to go on Price Is Right, which was the whole motivation for this sudden trip to Los Angeles.

So we went to DisneyLand which I understood to be the Happiest Place On Earth because Matt needed to be cheered up. Thank Walt there's still a Mr. Toad's Wild Ride there; that is such a great ride conceptually speaking, you get to accompany Mr. Toad on his night of debauchery and pay for it with jailtime, sudden death, and a trip to hell. How great is that? And they actually pipe in the heat for the hell sequence, which I had forgotten all about. Mr. Toad is like the Pac-Man of theme park rides: you know there's other rides that are more modern and visually impressive but Mr. Toad is conceptually eternal and should be enjoyable for the rest of human history. We also went on Pirates Of The Caribbean twice --my all time favorites. And they got this fastpass dealie which is like making a reservation at a restaurant so you don't have to wait in any lines. DisneyLand is as fun as I remember from my youth. And they're playing the Jungle Cruise for laughs now.

In line for Star Tours Matt and I decide the Star Wars Trilogy is really crying out for a giant audioanimatronic extravaganza ride a la The Haunted Mansion and Pirates. It could replace the hideous Innovations building where they teach you how to use Google.

The next day we find the La Brea tarpit and --yes-- it is a giant pit of tar. I swear it sounded more impressive when I was younger. Then we went to Koreatown so we could get bulgoki and I could ogle Korean chicks. Everybody had those "BE THE REDS!" shirts on. I mean, everybody. Then we went to a Dodgers game to watch them play Matt's beloved Red Sox. Dodger stadium is cool because every level has its own entrance. AND upper deck seats were only six bucks. Cheaper than a movie.

We also went to Santa Monica and drove through West Hollywood and wondered if we looked gay or not. Conclusion: maaayyybe. Then we saw the no-bad-seats-at-all Staples Center for a Los Angeles Avengers game, which was great for me, having never gotten the live AFL experience before. There was music before every play which helped get the crowd into but what really helped was knowing that if the Avengers scored 50 points everybody in attendance was getting free Carl's Jr. burgers. And when Carolina started making a comeback in the second half when the Avengers had 48 I was thinking "CONSPIRACY! CARL JUNIOR is calling in THE FIX!" But the Avengers ened up with 64 so we made out like bandits and Carl Jr. is ruing the day he ever met us, let me tell you.

By some quirk of fate we got bumped up into first class both ways which we had never travelled before and Matt and I decide to play "Who's The Bigger Rube?" by me asking if we can get the alcoholic drinky-drinks and by Matt wondering if he has to pay to use the headphones. We were the Nouveau Riche for those two flights, full of wonder at getting drinks while parked on the ground and more drinks whenever you asked for them. Yes: first class is all about the drinks. And all the cashews you can eat.